The Tough Conversation: Resolving Conflict, Clearing the Air & Moving Forward Together
Misunderstanding and conflict between and among people is part of the human condition. We think we’re clear and the other person doesn’t understand the purpose or the process of what was just said. Someone doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do, and we have to pick up the slack – all without an apology from the person who dropped the ball. We have different opinions based on different experiences and viewpoints and don’t agree with a policy or decision. We become angry or hurt when someone is unintentionally or intentionally rude or disrespectful or places blame where it doesn’t belong.
These scenarios create different levels of frustration, anger, or discontent in virtually everyone; how we process those resulting feelings causes us to “grind” on the issue; grinding on the issue tends to escalate internally, which then manifests itself externally to create even more discontent. And so on.
Yet, many professionals don’t like to have the “hard conversations” with their colleagues, partners, or clients. Some people hate confrontation, others don’t want to be “the heavy,” still others don’t want to put the time or effort into a hard conversation because they believe it’s a waste of time “talk with him about this. He won’t change.”
“Positive and productive teams don’t let misunderstanding or conflict fester - they resolve issues quickly and together ”
Positive and productive teams – with any number of two or more – address and resolve issues between and among members to everyone’s clarification and benefit. Positive and productive teams don’t let misunderstanding or conflict fester – they resolve the issue quickly and together. Positive and productive teams find a good, interdependent way forward after conflict, and keep working on it over time.
Good teams are hard work and need be protected. Learning how to handle conflict effectively is a key muscle each team member, no matter what age, rank, or role, needs to exercise and build.
The Communication Circle
Among the many excellent tools to provide a common framework for team members and groups to address misunderstanding, conflict and issue resolution is the Communication Circle. I introduce this to almost every team I work with, and it’s usually the first thing groups latch onto. Based on work by executive coaches Lori Ogden Moore and Susi Watson, informed by research at Georgetown University, the Communication Circle helps people separate facts, feelings, reasons and what they want to have happen, so they are more equipped to have a productive solution. It’s a simple process that helps people break down the parts of the conflict to get to a productive collaborative agreement about how to proceed.
Using the Communication Circle also allows or forces people in the heat of the moment to put some time between the straw that broke their frustration threshold and when they talk about it, so that they’re more equipped to have a constructive conversation. When the ship’s going down is not the time to ask why the hell someone drove into the iceberg.
Importantly, the Communication Circle helps people on all sides of an issue channel their feelings productively and respectfully. The notion of using feelings that may be categorized as negative – anger, frustration, guilt, disappointment – is one that was widely eschewed in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, so your older colleagues may find this challenging. However, when we use their feelings to inform our conversations instead of drive them, and we are well on our way to creating a positive way forward, building trust with our team members and forging a positive, productive work environment. Trust grows when we approach issues with our full selves and come to mutually-understood agreements.
How to use the Communication Circle
Scenario 1
Candice is pissed. She has been covering for her peer Joe for three weeks, doing her early morning work as well as his own each morning so that the team’s work gets done on time. Joe keeps coming in late, not acknowledging that Candice has helped him out, and leaves with the rest of the team around 5:30pm every day. No one else seems to notice that Joe has dropped the ball and Candice hasn’t let it hit the floor. Every day her anger and frustration grow. What Candice wants is for Joe to pull his weight and do his job so that she can do her job, coming in on time would be good too, and frankly she wants an apology. Finally, she can’t take it any longer, and Tuesday, the 16th day in a row that Joe is late to work, and Candice has been doing his work for over an hour. From her cubicle she bursts out for everyone around her to hear, “You are such a waste! You’re late every day, I’ve been doing your work for 3 weeks and you don’t even notice. You suck!” Joe is stunned and embarrassed and angry. He shouts back. You see where this is going.
A few comments:
1. Candice waited 16 days too long to talk about the issue with Joe. She let him be wrong day after day after day.
2. Her outburst leaves Joe with nowhere to go. How can he respond? Even if he’s calm and collected, what response doesn’t reflect poorly on Candice?
Instead, Candice could take a few minutes to sort out what she wants with the Communication Circle to have a productive conversation with Joe.
Step 1: What do you want to resolve?
Step 2: How are you feeling?
Step 3: What’s the fact at the root of the issue? It’s important the fact be agreed by both parties.
(Note: you’re late is not a fact, it’s subjective. The facts would be stated like “You arrived at 9:05am. The meeting started at 8:30am”)
Step 4: What’s your understanding of that fact?
Step 5: What’s the desired change, outcome, timing, response you want?
Step 6: What are you willing to do to facilitate the change OR in exchange for the change?
Step 7: Listen to the other person respond to your steps.
Step 8: Come to agreement.
Then Joe gets a turn.
In general, the assessment is where things break down between and among people. I recommend people respond by starting with a response to the assessment.
In an ideal world, Joe might say: “I do respect you and the team. I didn’t know that you were counting on me for this work before noon, so didn’t think it was a big deal that I was coming in after 9 since no one said anything. And since you did this work, I thought I didn’t have to. I’m sorry it’s gotten to this point. I can absolutely make sure that this work is done in time for you to pick it up at 9:30am going forward. It would be great if we could meet briefly at the beginning of the week to go over the work and schedule for the week, thank you. Also, my request to you is that you don’t wait more than 2 days to bring things that you think are issues to my attention going forward, and I can promise the same.”
Scenario 2
The project the Alpha Division worked on for months has stalled. Alex is being measured on the implementation of the project and its desired outcomes. His boss, Michelle hasn’t brought it up in weeks and doesn’t seem to have time for Alex and won’t prioritize the project so that it can move forward. Alex is frustrated and wants to get buy-in from Michelle to help implement the project
How Alex could use the Circle with Michelle to get the project restarted:
Working with the Communication Circle takes time to get used to. It’s a muscle you need to flex, build, and exercise until it becomes second nature.
Personally, the first few times I used it with colleagues I felt very awkward – it didn’t feel natural, and I was nervous about sharing my “negative” feelings – feelings I’d been told to leave at the office door for most of my career. My experience is that most people appreciate the effort I make to have this stepped process; it has helped in every situation when I’ve used it.
By walking through issues with these five steps, anyone can address an issue that is squelching performance, sowing ill will or causing conflict among even the best of teams.
Every team is going to have issues. Good teams resolve them quickly, respectfully, and collaboratively.